THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER AS AN EMPTY NESTER WHEN COLLEGE KIDS COME HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
Just when you think you’ve got this empty nester thing down, your children come home and open up a flood of emotions.
In August of this year me and my husband became empty nesters. Our two youngest children headed off to college. Our son is furthering his education over 200 miles from home and our daughter nearly 600 miles away. We’re a blended family - my husband brought our son and oldest daughter to the marriage and I, toted our youngest child with me - another daughter.
For years we evenly split custody with our exes - 50% off the time our kiddos were at their other parent’s house and 50% with us. I mention this, because we’d been used to having multiple days in a row without our children, so I thought saying good-bye at college drop-off would be a bit easier. It wasn’t. In fact, it may have been harder because I realized all of the time I’d missed with our children, simply due to divorce. Becoming an empty nester reinforces the fact that there are moments with your kids you’ll never experience again. Whether it’s cheering them on at high school sporting events, spending birthday celebrations together or hosting sleepovers, the expression “time flies,” hits your heart hard.
It’s perfectly OK to not be OK with becoming an empty nester.
For about a month prior to our children flying the coop and physically making the trek to take my daughter to college, my emotions were all over the place. I tried my best to maintain my composure so I wouldn’t add stress to the incredible journey they were about to embark on. That was not the case the night before drop-off. I was a mess and cried myself to sleep. I cried on a daily basis for about a week and then the tears started to taper off. It became easier as I witnessed them acclimate to the rigors of college, make new friends, and thrive in the classroom.
By the end of October I began to embrace the freedom being an empty nester brings. However, when I was preparing for our children to come home for Thanksgiving I realized I hadn’t entered their bedrooms once since they left for school. Going into their spaces conjured up some of the feelings I had over the summer, and while I was excited for them to come home I began dreading the departures that were going to happen within a week of their homecoming.
Sharing your kids when you already have so little time with them is hard.
One of the hardest realities I grappled with when our kids came home for Thanksgiving was that I had to share them with other people. They were in demand. The short break was spent catching up with high school friends and other family members, plus our daughter picked up a handful of shifts at the place she’d worked the summer before she left for college. Managing schedules and securing quality time together was a bit of a juggling act, and while our time together was wonderful, it was way too fleeting.
The other struggle was the good-bye. Our son drove back to school and our daughter flew back. Dropping her off at the airport imparted that same heartache I felt when I took her to school in August. I cried the whole car ride home. Thanksgiving was a tease - a cruel, cruel tease. The worst part though, is that I have about three weeks before I endure this all over again when the kiddos come traipsing back for a months-long winter break.
Hit the reset button. Prepare as much as you can. Manage expectations.
As I prepare for the next homecoming with my children I’m going to do a few things differently than the Thanksgiving break, because now I know what’s in store for me.
I’m going to pamper myself a day or two before they come home and after they leave as a way to spark a mental and emotional reset
I’ll begin coordinating schedules now and plan two to three memory-making activities that we’ll be able to cherish for years to come
I’lll explore opportunities where we can bring together groups of our kids “peeps,” so instead of splitting time we can enjoy shared time. (Fun fact ~ I credit my ex-husband and his wife for inviting our family to their house for Thanksgiving. Instead of our youngest daughter splitting the day in half we all celebrated together, and it was absolutely lovely!)
Being an empty nester with children in college is a crazy ride. I’ve found it to be mostly beautiful. I’m witnessing our children become independent adults who are forming the paths to their future. But then there’s the heartache that they don’t need me as much anymore. My hunch is, I’m going to be yo-yo-ing like this for years to come, but I’m committed to exploring new ways to ease the emotional toll this time in my life warrants.
If you’re in this stage of life or have already gone through it, I would love your take on this subject in the comments section. In the meantime, happy holidays!
~Maya
The best present of all is having your children home for the holidays!
